Create Your Communications Experience

Lie To Me - is a lie!

Update September, 2009: Article in the San Francisco Chronicle with more in depth background on why you can ONLY take Lie To Me as gross fiction. As Paul Ekman says in the article, "They take liberties - the show is fiction."

April, 2009: The Fox TV show that is surprisingly popular is based on a lie. Ironically, it is called "Lie To Me."

The primary reason I'm compelled to write this is because the producers use the credibility of communications giant Paul Ekman to promote an untruth - that you can tell whether people are lying. You can't!

I have great respect for Paul Ekman, one of the foremost researchers and experts in facial expression. Heck, I have a signed copy of his book "Unmasking The Face"  that I reference in my book "You've Got To Be Believed To Be Heard," and have read and follow his research. I was surprised that he lent his name to the show as the "expert" because he knows you cannot tell when people are lying.

And that's what the show would have us believe. Lightman, the hero and expert who always walks around with his head cocked to one side peering intently into 'suspects' eyes, will say "You're lying" to someone, and of course they immediately crumble. That's fiction. Or Lightman will glance at someone and say who is angry, hostile, repressed, etc. All Hollywood.

In one segment Lightman sees one of his subjects rub his eye with his middle finger, plays it back magnified to his cohorts and says, "There, see the repressed anger." Then there are three quick cuts of Obama, Bill Clinton and John McCain all shown with their middle fingers rubbing their lips or face as if they are all showing the same emotion. Compelling, but inaccurate.

Here is a promo that shows an interpretation as truth, which is specious at best. Crows feet MIGHT mean a full smile - they might also be wrinkles.

The show is well done, highly produced, and is entertainment if you like that sort of thing. But my concern is that people will give a LOT more credence in reading facial expression and body language with a CERTAINTY than is actually the truth.

You can become expert at discernment, and when trained you can tell when someone is nervous or lacks confidence or is 'shifty' etc. Even untrained you'll have a pretty good feeling - but it can very often be wrong. Video feedback is a marvelous tool for learning more about reading ourselves and others - and that's our business of course. And having been in this business and the film making business for 30 years, I've learned something about real behavior, deception and theatrics. But personally, I cannot tell with a certainty a lie or even a half truth. Neither can Paul Ekman. And neither can Lightman - the actor.

I've been meaning for weeks to write this post, and I have Tivo the show planning to cut clips to show my points, but it's on tonight (Obama couldn't preempt Fox I just found out) so it's timely now. Watch the show if you haven't, and treat it as the fiction that it is. Unfortunately, I continue to watch it with a stomach churning emotion that too many people will treat this fiction as fact.

It's All About Them: How to take "you" out of the message

@kellydecker back here this week, inspired to write another post.

 

“It’s not you…it’s me.”

 

Relationship wise, maybe you’ve been the receiver of that message, or in George Constanza’s case, you invented it. One of my favorite Seinfeld moments below:

 

We’ve ALL actually been there – in fact, in our business communications, we’re guilty of being on the sender side. And it’s one of the single biggest problems with communications.

 

When we present (in a meeting, conference call or formal presentation) we think it is about us, and not about them. It’s not as if we consciously try to focus on me, me, me, but it sure comes off that way. It rears its ugly head in many ways. Maybe you’ve got a start-up, or a new product, or you’re trying to convince your exec team to pursue your initiative. You use those opportunities to prove yourself. In the words of Stuart Smalley, “You’re good enough. You’re smart enough. And gosh darn it, people like you.” So there you are with YOUR agenda in mind, why YOU think it’s great, and what it will do for YOU. And you’ve got a presentation that has nothing to do with listener.

 

A recent HarvardBusiness.org article on framing notes, “Individuals tend to focus on their own particular needs and on matters relating to their specific areas of expertise. In so doing, they may lose sight of the details that matter for the project they are currently working on.” In other words, you’re just too focused on you to worry about them.

 

Last Saturday I failed miserably doing this with my four-year-old. He came into my room to hang out as I was getting ready for a busy day with the kids. (Let me just take a moment to say that I really value my very rare alone time – those 20 minutes in the morning is one of those few calm, zen-like moments that I have all to myself.) I’m therefore none too happy with the intrusion, and say, “I REALLY want to finish getting ready alone right now, please go wait in the family room.” If I’m him, I’m thinking “That’s nice. What’s in it for me?” I shoulda coulda woulda said, “If you wait in the family room, I can get ready much more quickly so that we can go to the park sooner.” Same thing goes for your next pitch.

 

Focus on your listener. Now, really focus. Listeners are the centerpiece of our Decker Grid system – whether it’s 1, 15, 54 or 322 people to whom you’re speaking. Before you come up with the big “So what?” of your message, you should do a careful analysis of your listener. Ask a few questions:

1. Who are they? Why are they here?
2. How do they feel about you or your subject?
3. How will they support or challenge your idea?
4. Are they data or business (initiative) driven?
5. What’s in it for them (not just as a team or corporation, but individually as well)?

Once you’ve answered these questions, come up with the top three adjectives that describe your listener – things like: resistant, open, hostile, skeptical, friendly, budget-conscious, etc. Now you can think about the big picture, and the approach that you’ll use to move that specific listener from information to influence.

 

When it comes to communications, remember, “It’s you, it’s not me.”

 

BTW, Duarte Design does a great audience mapping exercise as part of their work as well – because they get it! It’s mentioned in their blog here.

The Teleprompter Strikes Again - A Tale of Two Leaders

Kelly Decker here - guest blogging today.

I'm a relatively new fan of Shel Holtz's blog, arriving there from somewhere the Twittersphere. Shel is a PR guru and writes extensively on communications and technology. Over the past week, he's been blogging on the Dominos debacle that you've probably seen, or, if you're like me, you heard about it and had no interest in actually watching someone stick cheese up their nose (but, if you're in the mood, you can see it here).

Shel's Wednesday post focused on the public apology by Domino's USA President, Patrick Doyle. He comments on the content of the apology specifically, and that it is unfortunately inconsistent with the facts of how Domino's actually handled the situation, and therefore is inauthentic. But even worse, and the reason for this post, is to point out the behavior that makes it inauthentic. And who is to blame?...The teleprompter.

Bert has blogged about the how the TP can kill a communications experience - and most notably for Obama - read about it here and here. And this is hilariously supported by at least 12 different Twitter profiles of Obama's Teleprompter - go ahead and do a Twitter search for "teleprompter" (my fav is @BOTeleprompter).

Back to Doyle...here's the apology: 

Two BIG problems here:

1. Lack of eye communication. The whole challenge we have as communicators is to engender trust and believability. Our listeners - one or 353,466 in this case (the number of views as of today) - must believe in us for our message to have impact. Eye communication is the #1 behavioral skill because it either makes or breaks our connection with that listener. Doyle should have been looking directly at the camera - addressing his audience to connect with them. Instead, he was talking to someone over in the corner of the room who was just making sure that he stuck to the script.

2. Corporate speak. It's a two-minute speech on which someone likely spent at least one sleepless night, followed by endless reviews by Legal, PR, Marketing, and others. Domino's customers just needed to hear something real - just talk to them.

Now, let's contrast this to another highly publicized corporate apology - this from David Neeleman, past CEO of JetBlue for major service issues in February of 2007. You'll find an almost polar opposite experience - mostly because he's not reading a thing. (Unfortunately this is clearly evidenced by his terrible ums and uhs - btw, please don't model this - it's the only significant hiccup here.) He looks directly at his audience, tells it like it is, and has a fantastic close asking for your trust and business.

So what? You may be sitting there saying, "Good thing I don't use a teleprompter." But these takeaways are applicable to you. Here's what you can do:

1. Mind your multitasking. We're sidetracked more than ever these days, and too often we're tweeting or emailing, or focusing somewhere else than on someone who is standing in our office or cube trying to discuss an issue. Guess what...you're Patrick Doyle. Put down the Blackberry/iPhone/etc., turn toward them and look them in the eye.

2. Be plain-spoken. The higher stakes a meeting or presentation, the more formal our tone, and we (our personalities) get completely lost in the process. Think conversational, and talk that way. You'll be more authentic, and only then will your message (the content you spent so much time on) be heard.

Interview on Speaking, Obama and Twitter

Good friend and communicator Chris Spagnuolo has a great blog called Edgehopper (that's his frog above) - and he was nice enough to interview me. In case you missed it:

Ten Questions with Bert Decker

(1) In your book “You’ve Got to Be Believed to Be Heard” you refer to “The New Communicators”. Can you explain what a new communicator is? Can you give an example of your favorite New Communicator?

New communicators connect with EVERY audience – no matter the setting – in:

• behavior

• content

• interaction

In our Decker Method courses we call it the messenger, the message and the medium – they all are one. A new communicator creates a communication experience that is energized and action oriented.

Three great New Communicators are Steve Jobs (business world), Guy Kawasaki (tech/author world) and Bono (celebrity world.)

(2) So, that covers the good communicators. Who would say is having the most trouble these days as a communicator and why?

• Richard Fuld, Lehman Brothers CEO – closed, arrogant and aloof when he testified to Congress.

• Caroline Kennedy – she lost her bid for the NY Senate seat with a monotone, halting delivery, unfocused message and a mess of ‘ums’ and ‘ahs.’

• Timothy Geithner – stiff and cold. He is not a good messenger for this very important and controversial message.

(3) There has been so much said about Barack Obama’s oratory skills in the past year. Would you consider Barack Obama to be a New Communicator?

No, he’s a good orator, not a great communicator. I’ve reviewed him often (check out Bert’s review here) and it’s fascinating – Obama is President largely because of his 2004 Convention speech, but he STILL does not use the teleprompter well (here’s Bert’s detailed take on Obama’s use of the teleprompter) And when not speechifying, he usually communicates in a professorial manner, with a halting cadence, and also many ums and ahs. Occasionally he is energetic and open and light – but rarely. So ironically, the one who became President because of communication (read oratorical) skills needs to increase his connecting skills.

(4) If you could give one bit of advice to Mr. Obama, what would it be?

• Learn to use the teleprompter so it’s not a ping-pong match – 4 seconds to one side and 4 seconds to the other.

• Leave pauses instead of filling space with non-words.

• Vary rhythm and pacing of voice – energize not professorialize.

(5) You have become a fixture on Twitter in the past year (BTW, I love your Tweets). How do you see the rise of social media tools like Twitter and Facebook impacting communications over the next few years?

I see Twitter (not Facebook) as the dominant communication tool for both text and speaking. It’s a powerful business/personal communication medium in it’s current form as text only, and will become EXPLOSIVE with the right app (the new Nambu is promising – that’s the direction it will be going.) But it will change the face of the speaking environment.

(6) Do you believe there is going to be a new breed of new New Communicators who will use social media tools to connect with people?

Yes and no. First the no – the majority of people will use the text only email/Linked-in/Twitter etc as text only – will not incorporate it holistically.

And yes, the New Communicator will embrace the social media tools (Twitter mostly) in ALL of their communicating environments – but they will be smart about it, and understand there is a difference in text, voice and in person communications – learn the differences and use them intentionally. Most people communicate at the unconscious level – our goal is to make it conscious.

(7) It seems that a big buzz these days is about the use of Twitter at conferences and presentations. What are your thoughts on the rising use of Twitter during presentations?

Twitter is going to be very powerful in expanding (or disrupting) the conference and formal speaking environment. I blogged on that here – but more is yet to come. Big business (most of our clients) are not used to using Twitter in meetings and speeches, but no longer can anyone say ‘laptops down.’ People will Twitter whether you like it or not, so you have to incorporate that in your ‘experience’ and be intentional. Those who become good at it can enhance and expand their speaking – but it will be a rocky road for awhile. Those who use it well will succeed mightily.

(8) You attended SXSW in Austin, TX earlier this year. What were the top insights you gained at SXSW this year?

One of the most amazing conferences I’ve attended (out of thousands!) SXSW Interactive was peak energy, peak connections and peak engagement. 30 meetings going on at a time, 50-75% of people in most meetings/speeches were tweeting on laptops or cells. Podcasts and audios, twitpics and Flip videos and of course tweets were going out to the world by the thousands every minute. More and more conferences will become more like this.

Again, New Communicators must have not only the messenger and the message at peak performance, but also the medium.

Critical point though, that almost ALL neglect is getting video feedback and seeing themselves – so many at SXSW have distracting and nervous habits that it doesn’t matter how good their content or medium use is – they get in their own way. Observed behavior changes. The smart New Communicators at SXSW and all conferences will get themselves on video!

(9) What blogs are you reading most these days and why?

• Well, this one: EdgeHopper - Always well written and lengthy posts on relevant communication subjects – interactive media and personal behavior.

• Presentation Zen - Garr Reynolds is the leader (along with Nancy Duarte) of slide design and communications quality. His posts are in depth, and insightful.

• Seth Godin’s Blog – At first I didn’t like Seth’s text only posts, but then they grew on me for two reasons. They are short and pithy. 80% of them are original and thought provoking. (Pareto’s Law comes into play.)

(10) Who are your favorite follows on Twitter and why?

@ed – a very unusual man of integrity, insight and influence that I have gotten to know well on Twitter.

@OliviaMitchell – great communication research, tips and blog.

@Mashable – always good, up to date links and info on Twitter and the tech world.

But it’s a very tough question because there are so many Twitterers AND blogs that are good. [Chris' note: If you want to follow Bert on Twitter, and I highly recommend it, he's @BertDecker]

(And Chris on Twitter is @ChrisSpagnuolo )

Four Voices from SXSW

Speaking and Twitter dominance

The experience of South by South West (SXSW) in Austin is like the Wild West - it's the frontier of Social Media converging with traditional conference, dominated by Twitter. After experiencing it, I've modified my opinions since my last Twitter post here, and more will be coming on that (for a very good post on this subject today see Mark Ivey's blog.)

First, four important (read 'Rock Star') voices from SXSW on the question "Is Twitter distracting, additive or what?" I recorded our conversations spontaneously on my iPhone - here are highlights:

@Armano     - (Listen to iPhone recording here)

• Good thing, not a bad thing
• Speaker can broadcast his/her message
• When I tweet in conference, use it as notes
• Tweeting causes disconnect but you store up info and come back to it

@GuyKawasaki     - (iPhone recording here)

• Very good for speakers, can reach thousands through tweets
• I like big numbers!
• Tweeters disconnect - It's like taking notes
• Not too distracting for me as a speaker. But embarrassing when I'm speaking and someones sees a live tweet from one of my surrogates...

@Pistachio     - (iPhone recording here)

• Tweeters can take over a conference - last SXSW
• Great as back channel, speakers can see what audience wants
• Opens up ways to broadcast our content world wide in seconds
• Tradeoffs - can distract speaker, be rude, discount audience
• Can connect with individuals in room and conference
• One more things for corporations to assimilate, change "laptops down" policy

@ChrisBrogan     - (iPhone recording here)

• Important to be able to free flow and multi-task well
• Many conversations can take place at the same time, all can express themselves
• Note taking useful for in house audience
• Real audience is the thousands outside the conference room
• Twitter is like hamburger helper for the conversation - makes a little go a long way
• We'll learn to speak in 'twitter bites' (as Chris Brogan does!)

There's a unanimity of opinion by those who are in the Twitter elite of course, and I share their enthusiasm for the possibilities. But there's another side to the story in the traditional and more bureaucratic business world - which is perhaps 80% (or more) of the business population. They still think Twitter is the answer to the now irrelevant question, "What are you doing?" (The other day I asked the CEO of a billion dollar investment banking firm how he used Twitter and he said "What's Twitter?")

More to come on this important communication experience, and Twitter tips for the mainstream business population...

@BertDecker